-My husband's mother has never really embraced me into her family, I have been married to her son for over 12 years but she admittedly says that she and I don't know very much about each other. We are not close in any way, she is not open to me and we don't have any kind of relationship at all. She's not a mean person but she is very paranoid and often thinks people are out to get her. She has on more than one occasion told my husband that I was out to kill her and that I was going to ruin his life. She said she was recently diagnosed as mentally handicapped, I'm not sure what that means though or the extent of that handicap. I know she must have some form of paranoid delusional disorder though. I don't take it personal, although it did hurt my feelings at first.
The problem is she calls my husband ALL the time, she's always in his ear about something and he lets her. In the past she has been sort of in and out of our lives and we wouldn't hear from her for a while. I would even ask him if he had heard from her or tried to call her. I would even call to check on her. I believe in balance and too much absence is not good, but too much presence is not good either. Then she would come back around and call a couple times a week to share her latest issue. Recently she has been more stable as far as her living situation but she has started calling a lot more often, like every other day several times a day.
He doesn't like it when she calls, he used to avoid her calls sometimes. Now he's worried about being respectful of her so he allows her to call him whenever, about whatever, at whatever time. It might be different if she really needed something, like a ride, or advice every now and then. She just rambles on about whatever paranoia she has in her head at the moment. It makes him uncomfortable, he doesn't know what to say to her but he still lets her do it.
As his wife I just feel like he should set some boundaries for her otherwise as her illness gets worse (she s not seeking any help) she will continue to monopolize more and more of his time. As it stands she already calls him more times a day than I do. I just don't think it's fair for her to burden him so much with her problems and I feel she is being inconsiderate of me, he has to come home to me after listening her during the day. It makes me sometimes feel uncomfortable bringing to him any of my issues because I know he's been listening to hers already.
I don't want him to be disrespectful or completely cut her off, I would just like him to TRY to explain to her how she's affecting our family. She's not really apart of our family dynamic so she has no clue what's going on with us. The only person she really communicates with is my husband. She hardly knows our 3 children because she was never around when they were smaller.
I feel like she's the "other woman". Sometimes he will leave the room to talk to her if we're together because he knows I get irritated. She calls him at work, early in the morning and late at night, there is no discernment on her part, which may be part of the disorder. But I feel like if you don't protect your family dynamic it will fall apart under these kinds of circumstances. Dealing with someone with mental illness tough, but you can't let them just do whatever.
She's not incapable of understanding what people are saying to her, and she would definitely take a conversation about this better from him than from me. I think my husband is more concerned with what she will think afterward. Because she is so paranoid she may start to think he is out to get her or that I am controlling him and put him up to it. But that's her son and I know it will pass, she's thought ill of him before and gotten over it. I can understand his concern, but my concern is our marriage. I'm growing increasingly weary of having to share so much of him with his mother, she was supposed to cut those apron strings long ago.
On the one hand it's just phone calls, lots and lots of phone calls, so maybe I should just get over it and let him continue to indulge her. On the other hand I feel like she is just really being disrespectful of him, me and our family by calling so much with all of her problems. She doesn't consider that he has a family and other people to consider. I've told him how this all makes me feel, he thinks it's enough to take her calls in another room and "it's not like she's always coming by". But that's because she doesn't have transportation, every time I see her (which is several times a week at church!) the only thing she ever says to me is "when are you going to pick me up so I can see my babies?". If she could get here more often I believe she would. He won't say anything to her, he says with her mental state she won't even get it. It's his mom, he can'It sounds like she has trouble letting go of her son. Even though this may be better coming from him, you would be better at telling her the rules. You are the woman of the house and little boys do not like to confront mommy. You can be nice and gentle but I think it needs to come from you and backed up by him. I had a mother-In-Law like this and I just had to handle it myself. After they understand there have to be boundaries, it all works out.
Sadly, you have married a Mama's Boy. He will tell her all kinds of things she shouldn't know about you and the marriage, he will have to ask her what she thinks on everything before he has a decision.You have a bigger problem with your husband than you do your mother-in-law.
1. Rememebr that is his mother. She raised him for 18 years. She has put her time in. I hope you get that being a mom and all.
2. Invite her to dinner. Befriend her. I know she's psycho - One day a week is a sacrafice you can live with (how about on Sunday after church?) for your husband. Do it for him.
3. Rules for the phone. He's not answering at dinner time or after you've gone to bed, correct? Then I say, let it go. She won't be around forever.
4. Your husband feels guilty. You are making it harder on him. Try to understand he is not trying to take anything from you but give back what was given to him as a child.
5. Good luck, you're going to need it. (I get it)
Change your phone number.
Kidding.
That sounds like an annoying problem to have.
Some people are really hard to love, but sometimes it's those people who need love the most.
If you are a person who goes to church, don't they teach there that you are supposed to love other people, even your enemies?
Surely she's not even quite an "enemy", maybe more like a burden, but she needs love.
Another sad sad story of the momma's boy syndrome. I couldn't even read your entire post/question. All I know from experience is, your momma's boy husband will always be loyal to his mother, she will come first, he will be needy, clingy and his moms needs will always come before yours. Only HE can put an end to this and cut the apron strings. I was married 8 years to one - it was miserable miserable miserable and I blame his mother for most of our divorce. My guy now - his mother lives on the other side of the world. Good Luck to ya....
Your mother in law is jealous... in the typical way many mother in law's, for some reason, are. My boyfriends mother is like this. Basically, i could have written the same story down. It's frustrating, but you have to let it not bother you. Let your husband come to you if it bothers you, and try your hardest not to make comments about it. He already knows how much she bugs you, and because it's his mother, even though she's crazy, he doesn't want to hear negative things about her. Just try not to get antsy. Let him have control of the reins... eventually he'll get tired of her nuttiness. If not, unfortunately, she's someone you just have to accept. :/
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