-So my ex & I split after being together for 8 years. We have a 5 yr old & a 1 yr old. The 1 yr old is ok, guess he was already use to his dad not being home regularly. But, my 5 yr old is very confused and lost. He doesn't get why his daddy is comin home or why mom & dad don't live together now. We told him that we split up but this has not helped at all. I need some advice please. He just breaks my heart when he asks everyday, about 3 times a day, if his dad is comin home or why dad don't love us any more or why we cant just be a happy family again. Any advice would help...Thanks in advance.Both of you need to sit down with him and talk about it.
I would suggest you explain that his mom and dad are living in two places but are still his mom and dad. Show him how to dial his dads number, and your number so he can call either of you anytime he wants.But daddy will see him on these days, and mommy will see him on these days. Even if dad doesn't have a good spot yet, he should have an area where the boy can connect to items from your marital home. If its his toy box, and you buy him a differnt one for home, or a table he used at the marital home where he can sit and color, or eat, something familiar. It's good that you don't seem to be fighting with his dad, and want a good relationship for them.
Tell him he will have two houses, and nothing will change about who his mom and dad are.
Ask him to ask any questions he wants, and try to answer them on his level of understanding.
He would be very confused, but over time, and when he starts preschool, he will adjust. If you see destructive behaviors, get him some counseling.This is the best thing you can do...
CONSTANTLY tell him that daddy loves him. Then explain that things are going to be different because daddy is going to live somewhere else. Explain that this is normal and that it happens to a lot of daddys. Explain that he will still see him and it will just take some time to get used to the new change.
Hopefully you didnt already tell him that you guys werent happy together. That's too much for a 5yr old to comprehend. Tell him you and daddy are just friends now.
say now you have two homes.... say daddy and mummy are working at different times and need to live in different houses.... say you can stay with mummy and daddy whenever you want, and say wow your so lucky to have 2 houses! and when he gets a bit older you can explain that you are divorced... he doesnt need to know now.... this is what my aunty said, she had a 7 year old and a 4 year old boy and it worked perfectley.
No easy answer.... At least not one that might stick with him.
Best advice.... Make sure you reassure him that you love him and hopefully your ex does the same. Daddy not living at home is part of it. But more importantly he needs to know that even though his father isn't at home, Daddy is still there for him. And so are you.
And it is key that you and the ex don't play out your dramas in front of him or his younger sibling.
Sit them down - like you already told them - Mom and dad aren't not together anymore, we planned on spending the rest of our lives together, but things didn't just work out that way. Can't his dad make day visits/weekend visits and take the kids out? Sounds like the main problem isn't really explaining why you aren't together, but WHY their father doesn't get to spend time with them.
I think you could tell him that sometimes when he meets a friend that they really like each other and after a time he might not want to play with that friend anymore. That is what happened to you guys. I think is sad that he can't see his father. Are you positive that it is a horrible environment? Because if it is just something you are doing because you are angry, this is really wrong.
my friend had to tell her 3 year old that and i started crying so hard. she sat him down and just told him that his daddy wasnt coming back that he did not want to be with them and pretty much the whole story in away that he could understand. just be honest and dont make up a reason. its heart breaking to for the child and will be for you but its best that you kid knows the truth.
I would look back and reexamine the situation. Most of the time both dealt with the situation immaturly..then both should retry in a maturely manner for the CHILDREN S. SAKE. To get away from marriage for the better will never get better. It will only add to the problem.
why not seek legal advice. i mean professional advice. or go to library and talk to librarian and see age appropriate books on this subject. divorce. read before you make a boo boo with what you tell kids. and if you made a boo boo read and prevent further boo boos. :) good luck.
You tell him that just because daddy doesn't live with you anymore doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Just because mommy and daddy aren't happy together doesn't mean we aren't happy we have you.
just look up some children's book about divorce that fits your situation, read it to him and then explain how that relates to your situation
Well.. heres what happened..
Tell Him That "Daddy Is On Vacation"
tricky one. does he not want to see his son. he should at least visit once a week or something.
Relate it to a friendship that he has or had and say you know when you have a friend that you've been with for a while and then you don't hang out anymore because you get bored or have different interests, well its the same with mommy and daddy. But in this case mommy and daddy don't want to hang out anymore with each other but we still love you and daddy will still see you in the future. We just won't be together. Im not sure if this helps but just try to put in his perspective so he understands. You're right this is hard to explain to a young child and there isn't really an easy way to break it to him.
It's a huge question for a child. Explaining that mommy and daddy still love each other but that things didn't go well for them when they live together might help. Also, make sure he doesn't think it's his fault that you've split up. This so common with kids of divorced parents.
If your ex is mentally ill you can't tell him he'll be seeing lots of his father. Just reassure him that you love him and you're willing to listen to any of his questions about the split or about his father. When my parents divorced at about the same age (I was 7) my mum ran my father in to the ground. She make it clear how much she hated him. Because of that I learned to hate him. I also learned that I wasn't okay because I had some of his personality traits that she hated so much. It was common to hear, "you're just like your father." She was also so buried in her pain that she didn't really listen to the questions my younger sister and I had.
Telling him that daddy's sick might help him. It's the truth and there's no point shielding him from that.
There are books out there geared towards children to help them understand that Mommies and Daddies don't always stay together. I guess just try to keep it simple something like, "Sometimes Mommies and Daddies don't stay together. Mommy and Daddy were have some troubles and we just weren't making each other happy. But just because Mommy and Daddy don't live together any more doesn't mean that we don't still love you. We both love you very much and that will never change. No matter what we will always love you. And you will still see daddy and be able to stay at his place from time to time."
I assume that the father will still be in the picture? I know you two might be having problems with each other but I encourage you to keep the father in the picture for his children. (Unless there are extreme circumstances that would make this inappropriate. Excessive drinking, violence, etc.). I am a step parent and my step son's mother tries to do everything to keep the son from his father. It breaks our hearts and our son's. He doesn't understand why he can't stay with daddy. He is 2.
Hope this helps.
why did he leave?
why doesn't he have joint physical custody?
unless there is something wrong with him, i.e. physically abusive, then i don't ever think it is a good idea for one parent to have sole custody. children need 2 parents, as you can tell by your 5 year constantly asking for his dad. try working something out with your ex so that he sees his kids every day, if even just for an hour or so, or so that he has custody of them every couple of days. i cannot stress this enough: children need both parents. that doesn't mean that you have to live with him, but they NEED their father in their lives.
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